Hello gorgeous, thank you so much for writing to me and opening up - I know how hard that can be, so good on you!
I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles, it’s times like these I wish I had a magic wand to take it all away.
I wish I knew what it is that kicks me up when I’m on the floor - at times I hate it and just want to drown, but I am here and in the end always grateful for it.
It’s taken me years to be able to find things in which helps to ground me and all in all - feel alive in a way that doesn’t inflict pain onto myself. It depends on what state of mind I am in but without a doubt, writing is my biggest release and I encourage anyone to just try to confide in a piece of paper and pen. Since revealing and becoming so open about my illness’s I’ve found speaking about it really does help me. For so long I isolated myself from opening up as it usually always made it worse - (no one understood me, my actions or what is was exactly that was going through my head etc) but it wasn’t until sharing my story where I was open to a world of souls who were walking a similar path to me, who have and continue to endure a fight - I found anything I could relate too, gave me a new found sense of comfort and release. The biggest realization was that I wasn’t alone. There were other people, who unfortunately were suffering - but we were brought together by a raw bond. I’m so grateful for all the beautiful angels who have followed my story, and found comfort, familiarity and strength in something they thought they were completely alone. I hope I can continue to give you comfort in your hard times. ❤️
Regardless, I made my own light. There are times, too often where I am convinced it isn’t there, that it is now impossible for it to even exist and that maybe this time there will be no light at the end. I got my lantern with my forever burning flame tattooed on my neck. The separation of my body and mind broken up by something beautiful - I always look at my lantern, I know I got it tattooed at a point in my life where there was nothing, where I thought I was on my last legs and I would no longer be able to stand. I some how made my own light when I could find no other and I guess I always know it can be there, sometimes I just have to think more so outside the box to make it for myself.
For so long though; when these dark times came I would try everything I could to fight it off, to not feel it nor experience it - which inevitably made it worse. I was judging not only myself but my emotions, so I allowed myself to feel and I didn’t fight and although i thought it nearly killed me; it passed and it always will. No emotion is permanent. ❤️
I spend a lot of time outside in nature, learning all the small things in this world I appreciate that are so beautiful. I hate the world when I am down, I loathe everything in it and want nothing to do with it or be apart of it - so this just helps me realise that there are so many beautiful, magical things in this world, galaxy and universe - as with our light, strength and happiness, sometimes we just need to walk a little further and look deeper to see it’s there.
I’m sorry for this long message. I hope this helps and please know you can always come to me. You’re not alone and always remember that it’s okay to not be okay ❤️
All my love, light and strength to you gorgeous, you can do this x
Sherman Alexie, Flight