I am petrified to leave my safe haven and most importantly my parents. Even if it is only a few hours away, the relationship I have with them and the past dependence I have had on them scares me. I have always had mum with me as soon as I wasn’t feeling right, something had happened, or even if I just wanted a cuddle. But I have to test this new control and independence I have finally gained, and it’s time another part of me continued to grow up.
I will be making the move up to Sydney in the next 2 weeks and I will get to be with my closest friend Steff. A whole new form of excitement has run threw my body at the thought of this. Even if I am scared, I’m ready! And I couldn’t think of a better person to share and start my next chapter with than with Steff.
“Stop minimizing and discounting your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do. Your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core, and in order to find peace, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you’ve been told you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing and honor the truth inside you. Because despite what you may believe, you don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter — you matter — and it is more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.”—Daniell Koepke (via distantfrontiers)
It’s taken me a while to sit down and reflect on this past year. I guess in a way it scares me, i’m sure it does anyone. But as always we don’t give ourselves enough credit and recognition, with anything for that matter. I’ve spoken to a lot of people recently and asked about their views on this past year and how it was for them; it is so saddening to hear that many people feel the bad outweighed the good. That they’re first and blatant answer was ‘It was horrible’. I then realised if someone were to ask how 2013 was for me I would probably say the same, the negative and toxic arises to the surface, before any of the sun and gold (When in reality, my sun and gold shatters my dark). But when you really think, when you really sit down and reflect, you realise that a year is a long time. In one week of our lives so much chaos, change, growth, love and loss can appear and disappear just like that. So for somebody to say to me ‘2013 was horrible for me’ - that is fucking deep but so powerful. Do you realise that there are many poor souls who didn’t make it to this day of 2014 - but regardless of what is it 2013 threw at you, regardless of how one day may have felt like 1000, you made it through 365 of those, through treacherous times, that no body can know or comprehend but yourself. I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of you. You did it, and this year is time for you to learn, learn about yourself, about your surroundings, about where you want to be and who you want to be. You can do anything, and I know you will. I believe in all of you, so much. So please, never worry if you feel stuck. If you feel as though time is moving but you aren’t, because those who are lost in the nowhere will find themselves in their own somewhere and I can’t think of anything more beautiful nor heart lifting to look forward to.
I’d like to say a big thank you again. Last year I revealed parts of my life I had kept hidden away, from everyone and everything. I shared with you my life of living with Mental Illness and with that I went in for my next stay at a psychiatric retreat where I stayed 8 weeks. Since posting Kazumi Revealed, I get an incredible amount of messages from beautiful people sharing stories, showing strength, but also showing me pain, pain they couldn’t and wouldn’t show anyone else. You’ve told me I saved you, You’ve told me because of you I put down the razor tonight, you’ve told me because of you I am going to get help - I need to take this time to thank from the bottom of my heart absolutely every single person who encouraged, helped, supported and continued to love me for who and what I am after posting Kazumi Revealed. I also need to take this time to say, that if it weren’t for you, i’m not sure I would have made it to 2014. Sitting here, crying and reflecting, I have realised just how much I owe you all. You continue to put little pieces of me back together, pieces I had thought I had forever lost, or never had. You have made me whole, you have made me appreciate life and see how beautiful it really is. You have put a form of happiness in to my life I never thought existed, let alone deserved. You are all so beautiful. I wish I could spend time with each and every one of you, lie down and share our dreams, our hard times, then talk of the future and pump each other up to take on the rest of our journey, whatever may come.
I love you all. I really, really do and I am so proud of you all. Please recognise your strength and just how amazing you really are too.
You did it, now 2014 we will do it. Together. Walk with me, I’m Kazumi